


this feels like falling in love

by everythingislove (straykid)



Series: here comes the dawn [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Falling In Love, Mental Health Issues, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 22:26:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12177714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straykid/pseuds/everythingislove
Summary: It goes like this: Even sees a boy from across the Nissen courtyard and falls in love.





	this feels like falling in love

**Author's Note:**

> so this began with me considering how Isak and Even might have been different if Isak were the new kid to Nissen and Even was friends with the boy squad. it ended up being a fic about all that love entails. i really began to adore this version of Isak and Even as i was writing, and it ended up being 6k+ fic rather than a self-indulgent drabble. i really had fun writing this, and i hope you all enjoy!
> 
> (the tw's contain major spoilers, so i added them to the end notes. there's only a few, and they're foreshadowed in the tags of the fic.)

It goes like this: Even sees a boy from across the Nissen courtyard. He's got soft curls peeking out from the bottom of the beanie on his head, and is drowning in an oversized sweatshirt. His cheeks are flushed from the cold, staining his porcelain skin with a sweet blush.

He watches him walk through the iron gates, shamelessly staring. The boy walks with purpose, but his eyes don't leave the ground. When he gets closer, Even spots the earbuds stuffed into his ears. He can't decide whether he's that confident or trying to block out the rest of the world.

He wets his lips, sparing a glance toward his friends. They haven't noticed him zoning out from their conversation, or maybe they're too used to it by now to care. They also haven't seen The Prettiest Boy Even Has Ever Seen™.

He clears his throat, nudging whoever happens to be standing next to him. It's Jonas. "Who's he?" He asks, nodding toward him.

"Who?" Jonas follows his gaze, his face hardening when he spots him. "Oh."

"Do you know him?" Even hopes he doesn't sound as desperate as he feels.

Jonas shakes his head slightly. He looks at Even, eyes searching, and then sighs. The simple sound carries so much resignation. "His name is Isak," he says. "Isak Valtersen."

_Is he new? What year is he in? Are his eyes even more captivating up close? Does he make your heart skip a beat, too? Would he date a boy? Would he date me?_

Before Even can ask any (or all) of the questions he wants, Jonas quickly turns back to Magnus and Mahdi. It's like he already knows what's on his mind, and wants no part in it.

"Isak," he whispers to himself, a smile pulling at the corners of his lips. As if on cue, Isak's looks over his shoulder, eyes drifting in his general direction. It takes a lot of restraint not to give in to his wobbling knees.

Then pretty boy— _Isak_ —steps through the entryway of the school and out of his sight. And holy fuck, it's tempting to gather up his bag and go after him. (He's not some sort of stalker, so he doesn't, but it definitely crosses his mind.)

He needs to know more about him. He needs to know how he likes his eggs, and what his hair looks like when he first wakes up. He needs to know the little details of him that a person can only identify after spending countless hours together.

It goes like this: Even sees a boy from across the Nissen courtyard and falls in love.

-

Even tries not to pay attention to gossip.

After his nightmarish first year at Bakka, he knows how awful it can be to be the topic of whispers in the hallways. He still remembers the way his heart would drop right to his stomach each time he walked into class, only to have the conversation halt.

He never wants to contribute to something that could potentially hurt someone, so he tries his best to ignore rumors completely. Everyone has their vices though, and he's too curious to resist eavesdropping on his locker-neighbor and her friend while they talk about the pretty boy from outside.

"Isak Valtersen is back." Mari gushes, pulling a textbook from her locker. "I didn't think they would let him after everything that happened."

"Well, it's been over a year." Her friend points out. "I heard he did something worse at Bakka and they had no choice but to take him back."

Even's ears perk up.

"He set the bathroom on fire—"

"Allegedly. I still think he got in real trouble for drug dealing. He was close with Penetrator Chris, and you know how wild their parties are."

"That's true. You know Emma? He gave her ecstasy once, like, while the hooked up. She said it was amazing."

"How fucked up is that? Wasn't he with Sara?"

"You really think Isak cares about monogamy?"

They both erupt into high-pitched giggles.

He's never liked Mari much, anyways.

-

On the days where the hours and minutes drag on, he gets through them by doodling. The pages of his notebooks are filled with his artistic expression; most often dogs, flowers, and hearts.

By the time he gets to Biology, his last period of the day, he's got two pages covered. Instead of his usual doodles, they're quick sketches of a beanie clad boy.

"You draw?"

Even instinctively slams his hands overtop his notebook, his heart racing. "I—" he starts, sheepishly looking up. He quickly clamps his mouth shut when he realizes the source of the voice.

It's Isak Valtersen. The universe is brutal.

"I've always wanted to be good at art, but I'm useless." Isak continues, sliding into the desk across from him as if Even isn't currently gaping at him like an idiot. "I'm one of those people that's not particularly good at anything."

Even needs to say something before things get anymore awkward. "You're supposedly good at setting school bathrooms of fire."

 _Fuckfuckfuck_. He's an idiot.

Isak stills momentarily, his mouth briefly twitching downward. Then he looks at Even, really looks at him, and the almost-frown is replaced with an amused snort. "I guess that's true."

He rummages through his backpack, making a soft, triumphant noise when he finds a pen. Then, without bothering to ask Even's permission, he scribbles his number onto the corner of his paper.

"Text me," he says, then stands up and exits the classroom.

He can't think of anything else for the rest of the period.

-

**Even**

_hi, this is even from bio. just wanted to send something so you can save my contact._

**Isak**

_hiiiiii_

_is that the only reason you texted me? :(_

**Even**

_i guess it helps that you seem like a cool dude._

_btw sorry if i crossed a line earlier mentioning the bathroom thing. i don't care about rumors._

**Isak**

_lol no worries man !!_

_i don't care about rumors either, so they really don't bother me_

_but to make it up to me, you could always let me borrow some homework answers_

**Even**

_are you actually in my bio class?_

**Isak**

_yeah???_

**Even**

_you just...left earlier. i wasn't sure._

**Isak**

_right. i tend to do what i want_

-

Even lays in the darkness of his room that night, face illuminated from his phone screen. He pretends he's not grinning at his messages like an idiot.

-

He's studying in the library with Sana, but he can't seem to focus on the information in his notes. His mind keeps drifting to a certain boy with prince hair and the loveliest smile he's ever seen. It's pitiful, really.

"What do you know about Isak Valtersen?" He asks. It takes him a solid ten seconds before he realizes he's actually spoken out loud.

Sana sets her textbook down slowly, her eyes narrowing at him. "Why do you want to know?"

Even blinks. "We—" he clears his throat, "got paired together for a project, and I'm wondering what he's like."

Sana gives him a look that tells him she clearly isn't buying the obvious lie, and let's out a soft huff. "Isak Valtersen is one of the biggest, most ignorant assholes I've ever met."

And, alright.

"Oh." He manages.

Sana shakes her head, disappointed, like she already knows what he's thinking. "Anyone else, Even. I'm warning you. It's a bad idea."

"I know it is," he admits, "but my heart doesn't care."

"You need to get your heart in check." Sana tells him bluntly, but her eyes show genuine concern and sympathy. "He left here for a reason."

He nods, tapping his pencil softly against the table. She's a good friend, really. She stuck by him through all of the shit at Bakka, and supported him when he transferred to Nissen. There's never a doubt in his mind that Sana always has his back, but times like this, he doesn't quite fancy listening to her.

She seems to sense this. With a one-shoulder shrug, she points to her hijab. "If you don't want to hear it from me, hear it from the magical hijab. It knows all, Even, and it hates Isak."

Even swallows. "Is he really that bad?"

"He's racist and homophobic, to start."

"Right. Well. I won't go for it, then." Even says with a wince, chest aching all the same.

"You shouldn't." Sana says, opening her textbook again. She doesn't say that she believes him.

-

**Isak**

_hei. you busy?_

[ _Read: 19:04_ ]

-

He doesn't know Isak, is the thing; so it really shouldn't be hard to pretend he never saw him in the first place. But—

It's not.

Two days later, he feels as if the sun hasn't been shining quite as bright. He's carrying a burden on his shoulders and a weight in his chest that leaves him miserable. It would be so easy to pick up his phone, text him back, and fix everything, but he  _can't_.

He hates that he has to ask his mammas' if he's showing signs of being manic.

-

"Are you ignoring me?" Isak asks, slipping into the desk directly beside Even's. He looks amused, and Even's not sure whether that makes him want to laugh or cry. "I didn't think one text would scare you so badly."

"It wasn't your text," Even admits, "it was something else."

"So you  _have_  been ignoring me, then." Isak rests his chin in the palm of his hand, watching him closely. "Why?" He asks earnestly.

"Why?" Even's mouth suddenly feels as if its been stuffed full of cotton. "I—well—"

Isak laughs, his eyes bright. It's almost like he'd been expecting exactly that reaction, or maybe he's just endeared. "Don't ignore me anymore, please. You'll hurt my feelings." He says, sticking his bottom lip out.

Even seriously doubts that.

"Text me. Again." Isak stands up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

"Are you leaving?" Even glances from the front of the room at the teacher, then back to Isak. "Aren't you worried about your ten percent?"

"What's that?" Isak winks, giving him a playful salute over his shoulder as he goes.

-

**Isak**

_two hours later and still no text. i'm wounded, even_

_i don't think i'll ever recover from this severe emotional trauma_

**Even**

_some of us actually attend our classes and want to succeed in the future, isak._

**Isak**

_hmm_

_fair_   _enough_

 _do_   _you_   _mind_   _if_   _i_   _come_  over

**Even**

_you mean....to my house????_

**Isak**

_no, to your hobbit hole in the fucking forest_

**Even**

_i mean...alright._

_i just sent my address. please don't repay me by being a serial killer._

-

Smoking fucks with his medications, but when he's sprawled out on his bedroom floor with Isak beside him, he can't bring himself to care. They've got the window open and his mamma's won't be home for hours. He's not going to ruin that.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Even's overconfident with the buzz from the weed kicking in.

Isak snorts. "Love at first sight? Are you a ten year old girl, Even?"

"I'm being serious." Even says, passing him the joint.

Isak sighs, tired and annoyed. "I don't know."

"How do you not know whether or not you believe in something?" He raises his brows.

Isak takes a long drag from the joint, blowing the smoke out slowly. It swirls around them like it's mocking him. "I've never thought about it, I guess."

"I do," Even swallows. "I believe in it."

"Alright?"

"Why shouldn't it exist?" He continues, gesturing toward his blank ceiling. "If we have an entire universe that we know practically nothing about, is love at first sight really that strange to consider?"

"I guess not." Isak sounds thoughtful. Or stoned. There's a good chance weed isn't the only thing he's smoked tonight.

"Maybe we all have the ability to fall in love so suddenly, but only the right person is able to ignite it." He says, taking the joint back.

"How would you know if it was the right person?" Isak rolls over so that he's on his stomach.

"You'd know. Love is funny like that." Even says.

"What do you know about love?" Isak asks. He looks adorable with his cheek squished against his forearm.

"I loved a girl," Even admits, "and then I didn't love her."

"Just like that?"

"No," he pauses. "We fell out of love. I was with her for three years, and I thought it was enough. Then I realized that love isn't supposed to be  _enough._ It's supposed to be exciting, and make you feel something."

"What's her name?" Isak asks.

"Sonja." He says, because he's too high to have a filter. "Have you ever loved anyone?"

Isak hums quietly, his eyes fluttering shut. "Maybe once, for a little while."

"What was her name?" Even asks.

Isak cracks one eye open, surveying him. "His name, you mean."

"What?" Even can't hide his surprise, which is awful of him.

"His name," Isak corrects again, sniggering. "I'm not going to tell you, but it was a him."

"You're—"

"Gay? Very." Isak nods, shutting both eyes again.

There's a long silence where Even can't think of anything intelligent to say, and Isak seems content with that.

He's asleep before he can assure Isak that he doesn't mind.

-

"Even, sweetheart? Why are you sleeping on your floor?"

Even groans quietly, his muscles aching in protest as he stretches. He loves his mamma, but all he wants right now is some sleep.

Then suddenly, he remembers Isak.

He whips his neck to his right, expecting a lump of a boy beside him, but instead there's emptiness. He can't decide whether he's relieved or let down that Isak left without telling him.

He clears his throat, slowly looking back toward his mamma. "It's a new trend, everyone is doing it. It's supposed to help ground you."

Evidently, he's still a little bit high.

"Get in bed, you'll get a sore neck." Julie says, unimpressed.

"Yes, mamma." Even grimaces.

-

**Even**

_i had fun with you tonight._

_and everything you said will stay between us, i promise._

**Isak**

_ok_

-

"Where the fuck is your head, man?" Jonas asks, nudging him gently.

"It's right here, clearly." Even gestures to his face, pairing the lame joke with a weak grin.

Jonas rolls his eyes. "You know that's not what I meant."

"Did you meet someone?" Mahdi guesses, completely ignoring Magnus who had been in the middle of telling another one of his stories. "Jonas gets all spacey whenever he meets someone."

"I do not!" Jonas scoffs, but he looks curiously at Even nonetheless.

"I bet it's one of those dancer chicks. I heard one saying you remind them of that guy from  _The Fault In Our Stars._ " Magnus chimes.

"Ansel Elgort?" Even chuckles awkwardly. "And anyways, it's not any of them." He adds without thinking.

"So there really is someone." Jonas leans back in his seat. "Tell us."

Even hesitates. "You can't tell anyone."

"We won't."

"Do you know Isak Valtersen?"

The three of them freeze like deer caught in headlights. It makes his stomach flip uneasily.

"Isak is the person?" Magnus asks slowly, like he's speaking to a confused child. "Are you sure you're talking about Isak Valtersen? Skips class? Wears beanies? Set the fucking school bathroom on fire last year? Beat the shit out of a g— _ow!_  Did you just kick me?"

Mahdi looks between Magnus and Jonas, then finally settles his gaze on Even. "Look," he says, "we knew Isak once, but not anymore."

"Did something happen?" Even asks.

"A lot of things happened." Jonas grumbles, glaring at the table. "If you care about yourself, you should stay as far away from him as possible. You don't want him as a friend, or a partner, or an enemy."

"Why not?" Even doesn't get it. He feels like he's reading a book that's missing every other chapter, and he's lost. 

"He's bad news." Mahdi says, like that explains everything. 

"He seems nice enough." Even blurts. He doesn't mean to sound so defensive.

Magnus looks sympathetic. 

"Isak Valtersen will chew you up and spit you out without a second thought." Jonas says hotly. "You're playing with fire, Even, and you're going to wind up with third degree burns like the rest of us."

-

Even doesn't see Isak around school for an entire week. 

He tries to convince himself that everyone else is right. He's just gotten his own life back in order, and the last thing he needs is someone like Isak in his life. His therapist is always stressing the importance of self-care, and he needs to listen to that.

Then he does see him, and his resolve crumbles.

Isak walks through the door of their biology class.

Correction: Isak is drug through the door of their biology class by the headmaster.

He's scowling and his eyes are bloodshot. He looks the wreck everyone makes him out to be.

He yanks his arm out of the grip of the headmaster, seeming half-tempted to spit at his feet for good measure. Fortunately, before he can, their teacher steps between them and murmurs something inaudible.

"Isak," she finally says loudly, "take a seat."

Isak scans the room for an empty spot, his face softening when he notices the vacant seat beside Even. He makes his way to the back of the room, slumping into the chair with a sigh of resignation.

"Rough week?" Even asks. He tells himself he's only being nice.

"The roughest." Isak yawns. "You haven't been texting me."

"I've been busy with school," Even lies. "I'm sorry."

Isak nods, lips turning up into a slight smirk. "That's exactly why I choose not to show up most of the time. It's too much stress."

"Don't you worry about the future?" Even wonders.

Isak tilts his head. "Why worry about the future when you can live in the present?"

Even doesn't have an answer.

"Isak! Even! No talking during class!"

"Sorry, miss." Even says. Isak winks at him the moment she turns her back.

-

**Even**

_you free tonight? you could come over and chill. my mamma's are out._

**Isak**

_i'll be there at 19:00_

-

And then he's sitting on his bed, watching Isak study the drawings taped to his wall. He's been looking at one of a cartoon cat in a top hat for nearly five minutes.

"Remember when you mentioned the rumors about me?" Isak asks. His eyes don't leave the sketch in front of him.

"Yeah." Even grimaces. "I shouldn't have mentioned them."

"What if some of them are true?"

Even waits a beat before asking, "Are they?"

Isak nods, his shoulders tense. He's still not turned around. 

"I don't care." Even says, surprising himself with how much certainty the words have behind them. 

Isak takes in a sharp breath. He spins around slowly, and it's the first time that Even has ever seen him look so hesitant. "I set the school bathroom on fire." He confesses. 

Even has so many questions, but he bites the inside of his cheek to refrain from asking them. He can tell that now isn't the time.

"I once kissed my straight best friend." He shrugs, as if everything is normal. "We all make mistakes."

Isak tosses his head back and laughs a real, true belly laugh. 

-

Suddenly they're both sitting together on his bed, their legs intertwined. He doesn't quite know how they got here, but he's not complaining.

"I didn't do it on purpose." Isak says eventually, fingers tapping rapidly against Even's bedsheets. "I'm not a pyromaniac."

"Then why did you do it?" Even asks. 

"I had to." Isak says firmly. "I didn't have a choice. Do you ever feel that way?"

"Like I don't have a choice?" He nods. "Everyday of my life."

"You get it." Isak's voice is full of relief. 

"I do." Even reaches over, grasping one of Isak's hands just long enough to give it a squeeze. "Sometimes the voices in your head can be too much to handle. Sometimes you need to listen to them."

"You hear them too?" Isak whispers.

"What?" Even's brows furrow. 

(He never gets his answer.)

"Nothing." Isak blinks quickly. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Sure." Even tries to hide his confusion. "It's the second door on the right."

He's quickly realizing that being friends with Isak means dealing with more questions than answers. 

Twenty minutes pass. For a moment Even wonders if he's left the house, but the door to his bedroom is wide open and Isak would have had to walk down the hall to leave. So he waits.

When Isak finally returns, thirty-three minutes have passed and something about him has shifted. He stands in the doorway, his eyes darting around as if he's searching for something that isn't there. When he spots Even sitting in the same spot on his bed, he stares—but it's more like he's looking through him than at him.

"Are you alright?" Even asks.

Isak stares blankly at him for a few seconds, then turns and continues down the hall.

Even scrambles to his window, pulling the yellow curtain to one side. He watches Isak walk down the path from their house, turn, and continue down the sidewalk normally.

"What the hell just happened?" He murmurs to his now empty room. 

Unsurprisingly, there's only silence.

-

He wakes up two hours after he falls asleep.

"Do you feel okay, honey?" Lori asks when he enters the kitchen. "You look tired."

"Wow, thanks." He mutters dryly, but he knows he looks like shit. He's got dark bags under his eyes, and puffy cheeks underneath to match.

He's really not sick, though. He just couldn't get his mind to calm down enough to sleep last night following the strange way things were left with Isak.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm worried about you." Lori frowns, stepping closer. She places her hand on his forehead, seeming satisfied enough that he doesn't have a temperature. "You'll go to the school nurse if you don't feel well?"

"Of course." Even lies. He'd sooner die of an infection than willingly go Dr. Skrulle's office, but he'll never admit that to his mamma's. They'd worry too much, and insist on having some sort of meeting with her.

"I love you."

"Love you too, mamma."

-

Isak doesn't show up to class again.  _Even doesn't understand anything._

-

**Isak**

_Did You get Shelter?_

_this is Bad_

_They're ComiNG_

**Even**

_isak?_

_are you okay?_

_who's coming?_

**Isak**

_They're going To eat ME_

_Please Help me Even I'm So scared_

**Even**

_where are you?_

_do i need to call the police?_

_isak, please answer._

_isak?_

_ISAK_

-

Isak never responds to his texts. He doesn't show up for his classes. If not for the occasional whispers about him in the hallways, Even might believe he had never existed at all.

It's strange, the way the world keeps spinning in his absence.

-

He finally sees him on the tram, of all places.

Isak doesn't notice him, preoccupied by something on his phone. 

His first instinct is to rush over and hug him. After days of worrying about him, he finally knows that he's okay. But that quickly fades with the realization that  _he's been okay and let Even worry about him anyways._

He's furious.

Even picks his bag up and maneuvers around the few people standing between them until their shoulders are touching. "I'm glad you're not dead in a ditch somewhere."

Isak jumps, snapping his head up. "Even?" He gapes.

"It's very rude to send S.O.S messages to someone and then blow them off for almost a week, you know." Even stares stoically at him. "Why?"

"Why what?" Isak asks meekly, fumbling to slide his phone into his pocket. 

"Why did you ignore me? Why couldn't you have sent me a single text to let me know that you're still breathing?" Even snaps. "You could have told me to fuck off and I would have been grateful!"

"Well, I'm clearly fine," Isak raises his chin, "so will you leave me alone? I'm capable of taking care of myself, you know."

"No." Even says.

Isak's expression fleets to one of surprise, before settling back to neutrality. "What do you mean  _no_?"

"No." Even repeats with a shrug. "I won't leave you alone. Not this time. I deserve an answer."

Isak opens his mouth, before promptly shutting it again. He seems completely bewildered. Finally, he asks, "Do you want to come back to mine?"

-

They arrive to a typical house with a small sign near the door announcing the occupants to any potential visitors. It's got a doormat and a small garden out front, giving the illusion of a perfect domestic life. 

Then Isak opens the door and all he can smell is an awful combination cat piss and cheap beer, and it becomes clear things aren't as they seem.

He steps inside, keeping his face objective. He's not judging Isak for his family circumstances, and he doesn't want to give the wrong impression.

There's shards of broken glass near a shattered frame on the wall. If he looks closely, he can see a few drops of dry blood contrasting the wooden floors. 

"Was something actually wrong?" He asks.

Isak glances back at him, then to the forgotten mess on the floor. "We thought there was."

Even waits for him to elaborate, but he doesn't. Instead Isak starts walking up a set of stairs, and he's left with no choice but to follow. 

There's a shift between them when they enter Isak's room.

The room itself is nothing like he would have imagined. There's teddy bear wallpaper on one wall that's clearly from his younger days, while the others are covered in ineligible scribbles and markings. His desk is piled with dozens of books with folded corners and sticky notes busting out at every angle. The only average thing is the navy duvet laying in a rumpled mess on his bed.

When Isak shuts the door, he can see newspaper clippings taped and stapled and glued to the back of it. It's mildly terrifying, but before he can ask about it, he's being shoved with his back against it—not roughly, but just firm enough.

Isak has his hands on both of his shoulders, his breath coming faster. "I'm going to do something," he says, "and you can punch me if you don't like it."

Isak Valtersen kisses him.

He kisses him, and there's no fireworks or electricity between them, but it's still the best kiss he's ever had. It's not awkward like first kisses can sometimes be. They move in synch, Even hooking his middle fingers through Isak's belt loops to pull him closer. 

Only after Even dares to lick at his bottom lip does Isak pull back. His cheeks are red and subtle little pants escape his parted lips. "I had to do that at least once." He breathes. "I'm sorry—I just had to know what it would feel like."

"Don't apologize. I've been thinking about that a lot." Even lets his hand trail up until he's cupping Isak's cheek gently. 

He's so close to getting resolution, but then his eyes flick down to Isak's perfect lips, and his mind is gone. He ducks down, slotting their lips together again.

It's worth it. He drinks Isak in, let's his hands wander as if he's trying to put every single curve to memory. He's been wanting this since the moment he saw him, and he'll be damned if he's giving it up to prod for answers.

Even's heart is overflowing with the amount of love he feels.

-

"I'm fucked up, Even." 

"So am I, Isak. Everyone is." 

"Not like me. I'm not normal."

"There's no such thing as a normal person."

Isak presses his mouth into the crook of his arm to hide the fact that's he smiling, but Even knows.

-

"Why aren't you friends with Isak anymore?" Even asks. They're at lunch and it's most definitely not the time for this, but he can't hold back any longer. 

Mahdi frowns. "Why do you keep pushing this, man?"

"Because—" he sets his sandwich down, straightening his shoulders. "I've been hanging out with him, and I'd say he's one of the best people I've ever met."

"You're destined to learn the hard way." Mahdi shoves another bite of his lunch into his mouth.

"He changed," Jonas says, "completely. And quickly. It was as if he became an entirely different person, really."

Even's eyes meet his, and he can see the real hurt behind them. 

"He started these awful, elaborate rumors about Eva." Jonas shakes his head. "Then he would bail out on us all the time. When he did come along, he would sit there and stare through you like a robot half the time."

"That's all?"

"He also lit the bathroom on fire." Magnus chimes, sipping loudly from his drink. 

"You gave up on him." Even says. It's mean and intended to sting, and he regrets it as soon as he puts it out there.

"I guess we did." Jonas says, sighing softly. "But only after he gave up on us."

-

**Isak**

_hei, i'm not coming to bio today_

**Even**

_is everything ok?_

**Isak**

_don't worry_ _everything is fine_

_i have an appointment_

**Even**

_you actually have a reasonable excuse to be missing class???_

_i'm shook_

**Isak**

_oh my god_

_please never say that again_

-

"We need to get you a leather jacket." Even says, tugging gently at the sleeve of Isak's sweatshirt. "It'll completele your look."

"My look?" Isak deadpans.

"Your mysterious, bad boy look." He hums.

"I'm not some sort of broody boy band member." Isak snorts. "I'm not playing a role."

Even pouts playfully, "They're always my favorite members, though!"

"Fuck off." Isak says, while leaning in for a kiss.

It's so natural to lay in bed with Isak, nuzzling him close, pressing kisses to his exposed skin. Now that he knows the feeling of having his head against his chest, he doesn't know how he ever lived without him in his life. (His therapist would call that an example of an unhealthy relationship, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.)

He's using his pinky to tuck a few loose strands of hair behind Isak's ear when he sees him staring over his shoulder. He follows his gaze, and he knows.

He left his lithium prescription on his nightstand.

"I'm bipolar. Those are my medications." He whispers, slowly tracing his finger down his jawline. "Is that okay?"

Isak makes a sound like he's choking, and Even can't quite discern if it's from his touch or his words. Then he gives a jerky little nod, "It's okay." 

"I love you." Even says. It's too soon and he's probably an idiot, but holy shit, he means it. He means it more than anything else.

Isak's lips start to form the words, but then he stops. Instead he nods again, more assured this time. It's alright—Even's willing to wait.

-

Things are better than they've ever been. Even has friends, his medications are working, and he has a  kind-of-boyfriend. Life seems to finally be on his side.

-

They're walking through the park together, holding hands with their fingers intertwined. It's winter and it's freezing, but Isak looks so happy that Even thinks the frostbite he's probably going to get is worth it.

Isak's lips are chapped from the cold air, but they still look as kissable as ever. He slows their steps until they gradually come to a stop on the path, reaching for his other hand. "I love you." He grins.

"My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic." Isak blurts.

Even blinks quickly, his eyes widening from the sheer abruptness of the confession. "She... your mother is schizophrenic?"

Isak squeezes Even's hands a little tighter. "Nobody knows that."

He gets it. Isak doesn't want to say 'I love you' yet, so he's giving him the next best thing. This is a big deal, but he's not supposed to make it seem like one.

"I'd love to meet her sometime, when she's having a good day." Even smiles kindly, dropping Isak's hands so he can wrap his arms around his waist.

Isak swallows thickly. "You're not scared of her?"

"Are you scared of me because I'm bipolar?" He raises his brows. 

Fat tears start to roll down Isak's cheeks, his shoulders shuddering with silent sobs. He shakes his head, burrying his face into Even's fluffy coat. 

Even holds him—right there in the middle of a snowy park—until he's finished.

-

The texts start again the following night.

-

**Isak**

_I can Feel Them everywhere_

_Why won't They Leave Me alone_

_Please Help me please I can't take This_

**Even**

_???_

_isak please don't do this again_

**Isak**

_I'm so Scared_

_I want them To go Away why won't they Go away_

**Even**

_i can't help you unless you explain a little more_

_please just tell me a little more and i can help_

_do you need a doctor? or a family member?_

_do you want me to come over?_

_i love you._

-

 **You have one (1) new voicemail:** _"Halla Even, it's Isak. I'm sorry about those texts from the other day. Um. Would you want to come over this afternoon? My parents are out, and I know I_ _owe you..._ _an explanation. See you later, hopefully."_

-

The navy duvet is nearly spread across Isak's bed this time. Even sits atop of it, watching him patiently.

Isak rummages through his dresser drawer, pulls out a pill bottle, and tosses it to Even. He says, "Schizophrenia isn't necessarily genetic, but if you have a family history of psychosis, you're more likely to have it." 

Even stares at the orange plastic in his lap and reads the label. It's a bottle of antipsychotics prescribed to Isak Valtersen.

-

"You can ask questions, if you want." Isak picks at a hangnail, glancing toward Even. "I know you probably think I'm fucking crazy."

"I'd be a hypocrite if I thought that. I'm bipolar." Even reminds, turning the bottle over in his hands. "Were you diagnosed early?"

"No." Isak moves to sit next to him. "I didn't start showing symptoms until the start of first year, when my pappa left. Stressful situations can sometimes trigger dormant symptoms."

"I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was thirteen." Even says, placing a hand on his thigh. "It was hard not knowing what was happening when I suddenly couldn't get out of bed or felt like streaking through the neighborhood."

"I didn't even realize my symptoms were symptoms until I got diagnosed." Isak admits. "I thought it was some sort of nervous breakdown."

"What are your symptoms?" Even wonders.

"Hallucinations and delusions, mostly. It fucks with my emotional responses too." Isak clears his throat. "It's terrifying."

Even hopes he's not crossing a line when he asks, "Were you having an episode when you set the bathroom on fire?" 

"I was." Isak says, wincing. "It was the worst one I've ever had. There were demons and creatures crawling on the walls and down my throat, and I had to burn them away."

"That sounds awful." Even's chest is tight just imagining it. 

"It was, but it was more awful that people thought I was capable of doing it on purpose." Isak admits. "I had no sense of reality when it was happening."

"Is it better now?" Even asks cautiously. "Your medications, do they help?"

"As much as medications can help, I guess." Isak shrugs. "Thank you," he adds after a beat, "for accepting me."

"You're an amazing person, Isak." He says, using his thumb to rub the back of his neck soothingly. "Don't let anyone make you think otherwise."

-

"Are you sure?" Even asks hours later, bracing himself over Isak with an arm on either side of his head. Their bare chests are touching and he's craving more, but he wants to make sure Isak is okay.

"Yes, Even." Isak murmurs into his skin, kissing and sucking along his jaw.

"Absolutely positive?" He teases.

Isak leans back just enough so that he's able to look him in the eyes. "I love you, and I've never felt more positive." He says seriously. "I want this—I want you."

Even nearly comes on the spot from those three words.

"Fuck—I love you too—fuck." He groans, thrusting their hips together. It's not as satisfying with their boxers keeping a thin barrier between them. Isak handles that issue by dipping his fingers into Even's waistband, gradually tugging them lower until Even can kick them off. 

That night, they shift from Isak and Even to  _IsakandEven_. It's a beautiful thing.

-

The truth is that Isak is a galaxy and Even is a mere star.

-

"You were wrong."

Sana lifts her head, giving him a bored look. "What was I wrong about?"

"Isak." Even says confidently. "I know you think that he's an asshole, but he's not."

"He's not?" She asks doubtfully.

"He's not." Even confirms. "He's strong, and accepting, and when he laughs the sun gets a little bit brighter." 

"He's homophobic—"

"He's my boyfriend." Even corrects, shrugging. "And it's not his fault that people have started false rumors about him."

Sana purses her lips. "You're happy with him?"

"Very."

"Then perhaps," she reasons, "I made a mistake."

-

He walks through the hallways of Nissen holding Isak's hand. He lets people whisper and gawk, because nothing matters but their love and truth.

The only time he waivers is when they're approaching his usual lunch table with the boys. He hesitates, looking at Isak to make sure he's comfortable, but the boy continues right ahead. 

They stop about a foot away from the table, all of them in a mild stare off. Even's holding his breath, hoping for the best.

Then Magnus hops from his seat and leaps around the table, pulling Isak into his arms with a cry of, "I've missed you man!" and Jonas and Mahdi follow suit.

"Welcome home, Isak." Jonas says as they embrace, meeting Even's eyes over his shoulder. 'Thank you.' He mouths. His eyes are glistening with tears.

-

It goes like this: Even saw a boy from across the Nissen courtyard and fell in love. Now, he's standing in front of all of their friends and family, reading his wedding vows and talking about how he learned the value of understanding and acceptance.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [tw for: bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and symptoms of schizophrenia]
> 
> thank you all for reading, and your feedback means a lot <3
> 
> (i've also considered turning this into a series... would anyone want to read more?)


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